I decided to start up a blog, to share my ongoing battle with Bulimia. I know there are so many others out there, that are going through the exact same thing...So I hope to dicuss as well as help those out there that are struggling with this horrible addiction.
My bulimia started when I was in 5th grade. I was a very tall girl, very slender.... I was in gymnastics, and i remember like it was yesterday. My coach at the time, said that my butt was too big, and that I needed to lose weight. I went home and told my mother, and she immediately pulled me from the class. It was too late though. What my coach said, had given me a terrible image of myself. I went home, I made myself throw up all the food I had eaten for dinner, and this is where it began. Now I wasnt throwing up every meal at this time in my life. When I ate something bad-or ate too much, I knew I could just go "get rid of it." I stopped for a couple of years, and didnt really think too much about it. When I was 14 years old, my mother passed away. She was my best friend, and I felt so alone. So what did I do? Food became my best friend. I would eat and eat, and then go purge everything. I wasnt ever really "too skinny" though, probably because I was consuming well over 5,000 calories a meal.
I cant tell you how many times I tried to stop. I hated eating so much, I hated throwing up, I hated everything about bulimia. There were always times that I tried to stop. I would eat super healthy, go to the gym, do EVERYTHING! I would put on so much weight regardless, and then I just thought, WHATEVER, SCREW THIS. Im going back to eating whatever the hell i want.
Last year was my worst... I was going through a bad breakup, and I felt like the only thing I could control was my weight. I binged and purged-and sometimes would go days without eating, I took laxatives, I would take adderol... I lost 40 pounds and was skin and bone. I loved the way my clothes would fit, and I fed off of people saying how disgustingly thin I looked, I LOVED that.
It was very apparent that I was up to something, and it wasnt long before my girlfriend pulled me aside and said she knew I was throwing up, and I had to stop. I was so embarrased, I thought I was invinsible.
As much as I loved the weight I was, I hated what I was doing to obtain it. I have missed out on so much- all because of this. Its been 6 months since then. I would be lying if I said I hadnt thrown up, but I have come to terms that this is not the way to live. I hate my relationship with food. I hate the way my body looks....I still eat the same ammount I used to, except I dont throw it up. My weight has reached an all time high, and its so depressing. I want to change now, and I will do it the right way.
I will be blogging my road to success, because I will succeed. I will beat this and it will be my biggest victory yet.
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